What to say when someone I love tells me they’re having mental health problems?
What to say when someone tells you they’re struggling with their mental health?
Talking about mental health can be hard. Help to support someone you care about with mental health problems.
“We have time to talk.”
“I’m listening to you.”
“I care.”
It can be hard know what to say when someone you care about tells you they’re struggling. They might tell you about feelings of depression, anxiety, a traumatic experience or loss.
We don’t always know how to respond and we could be worried we might get it wrong.
You reading this is evidence that the person who trusted you with their mental health problems chose a good person to confide in. You don’t have to have all the answers or respond perfectly. The most important thing to convey is your care.
Clients tell me:
“I didn’t want to worry them.”
Or
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
They sometimes express:
“They have enough to worry about themselves without also worrying about me.”
It takes courage to open up about feelings of depression, loneliness, anxiety or struggles with traumatic experiences such as nightmares or PTSD. People can sometimes be left feeling withdrawn and isolated.
Your loved one might be confiding that they have been self harming, feeling suicidal, developed an eating disorder or using binge eating, food and restriction to try to cope with how they feel. Maybe they’re screwing up all their courage in the first step to getting help for an addiction to drink, porn or drugs. It might be that the person you care about is letting you know they feel small and scared with low self esteem, maybe they need support once they realise they are in an abusive relationship or that childhood abuse is still affecting them now. It can be hard to know what to say when someone shares their pain and loss in grief and bereavement.
Whatever is happening for the person you care for it can be difficult for you to know what to say.
“What if I say the wrong thing and make it worse?”
“What if I can’t help?”
It’s understandable to be concerned about saying the wrong thing. Sometimes the fear of getting it all wrong stops us from saying much at all. We care, we want to help but it’s so painful to see someone we love suffering that we can inadvertently stop the conversation before it really starts.
“I’m not qualified to help, I don’t have all the answers!”
“I don’t know how to help!”
“I just want them to be ok!”
The truth is sometimes there aren’t answers. No matter how supportive and understanding you are it might not be enough to “fix it” for the person you care about. They might need therapeutic or psychological support. But, there are vital things you can do when someone tells you they need help with their mental health.
If someone is expressing suicidal feelings vaguely “I just want to end it all” or “Sometimes it feels like everyone would be better off without me.” you won’t make it worse by asking them about it. You could say “It sounds like you’re saying you want to end your life, is that right?” or “That sounds so painful, are you saying you need urgent help to keep you safe?” Let them know you care without guilt trips “I care about you, I want to help you stay safe.”
If someone needs urgent help contact 999 or their crisis team if they have one. During opening hours a GP or mental health professional can help. Some further resources are listed at the bottom of the page.
But what do I say?
If urgent help is not required to keep the person you care for safe it can help to offer them time, space and your care to talk about how they are feeling. They might not have shared it with anyone else before or know what kind of reaction they might get.
ACKNOWLEDGE:
“I’m so glad you told me how you’re feeling.”
“Thank you for sharing this with me.”
“I care about you.”
EMPATHISE:
“Going through this sounds so hard.”
“You felt really scared and alone.”
“This has you feeling heartbroken.”
VALIDATE:
“I can understand why you’re finding this so hard.”
“Coping with so much sounds really tough.”
“It’s ok that you’re finding it difficult.”
ENCOURAGE:
“I’m so glad you talked to me, I can listen again when you need to talk.”
“I’m glad you told me about this, would it feel helpful to say more?”
“I want to hear how you are feeling, you are important to me.”
EMPOWER:
“What can you do now to help get support?” and perhaps “Can I help with this?” you could offer to be with them for an appointment or support them with how to phrase their situation to get help.
“What else might help right now?”
These are just suggestions, there is no one size fits all approach to supporting someone you care about…then, you probably already know this.
Some of the phrases might give the ick, maybe they wouldn’t fit the type of relationship or the situation. Perhaps instead of:
“Even with everything you’re coping with I can see how hard you’re working to get through this.”
It might feel more appropriate to say
“Shit! Even with all that, you’re still managing…”
Empathy doesn’t have to be in therapy-speak, sometimes it’s more effective when it’s the sound you make through you’re teeth when the person you care about expresses their frustration.
Truthfully, you’ve got this.
It’s ok not to have the answers, it’s even ok to say “I don’t have the answers”. Showing how much you care, validating what’s shared with you, empathising and expressing your willingness to help find professional support is enough.
It’s important you look after yourself too, it can be challenging to care for someone struggling with their mental health. You matter just as much and making sure also have someone to talk to or therapeutic support can be just as important. It’s hard not to shoulder all the responsibility for helping the person you care for, especially if you’re the only person they’ve told so far.
I can provide therapeutic support with counselling online and in Salisbury.
Help for mental health problems is there. You are enough.
In addition here are a list of resources which might be useful:
General Mental Health Resources
Mind – A leading UK mental health charity providing extensive support, mental health information, and advocacy for those in need.
NHS Mental Health Services – Free mental health support through the NHS, including crisis lines and local mental health referrals.
Samaritans – A 24/7 helpline offering confidential support for anyone struggling (call 116 123).
Mental Health Support for Parents & Families
YoungMinds Parents Helpline – Support for parents and guardians concerned about their child’s mental health. Includes a helpline and online resources.
Family Lives – Provides a helpline and online resources to support families dealing with mental health and relationship issues.
Place2Be – A charity offering mental health support in schools and guidance for parents on supporting their children.
Mental Health Resources for Teens & Young Adults
YoungMinds – A UK charity focused on youth mental health, providing resources, guides, and a confidential text helpline.
Kooth – A free, confidential online mental health community for 11–25-year-olds, with forums, advice, and live chat support.
The Mix – Provides young people up to 25 with mental health support via online chat, a helpline (0808 808 4994), and tailored resources.
LGBTQIA+ Mental Health Resources
MindOut – A mental health service run by and for LGBTQIA+ individuals, offering online support and advocacy.
Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline – A safe and confidential helpline (0300 330 0630) for LGBTQIA+ individuals seeking mental health support.
Mermaids UK – Provides support for transgender, non-binary, and gender-diverse children, young people, and their families.
Mental Health Support for Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic (BAME) Communities
Black Minds Matter UK – Offers free therapy for Black individuals in the UK to address mental health and emotional well-being.
Muslim Youth Helpline – A helpline offering culturally sensitive mental health support to young Muslims in the UK.
Refugee Council – Mental health support and resources tailored for refugees and asylum seekers in the UK.
Men’s Mental Health Resources
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) – A mental health charity offering support for men, with a helpline (0800 58 58 58) and resources aimed at suicide prevention.
Men’s Health Forum – Provides health and mental well-being resources specifically designed for men.
Andy’s Man Club – Peer-led support groups for men across the UK, helping men to share their experiences and improve mental health.
Mental Health Support for Older Adults
Age UK – Offers guidance and support to improve mental well-being among older adults, including advice lines and local branches.
SilverCloud – Free NHS-supported online mental health programs, especially suitable for older adults dealing with anxiety, depression, and stress.
Independent Age – Provides mental health resources, a helpline, and befriending services to combat loneliness among older adults.
Crisis Support Resources
SANEline – An out-of-hours mental health helpline (0300 304 7000) offering compassionate support during a crisis.
SHOUT – A 24/7 UK crisis text line (Text "SHOUT" to 85258) providing immediate support to those in need.
Papyrus UK – A mental health charity focused on preventing youth suicide, with a helpline (0800 068 4141) for those under 35.
Supporting Someone with Suicidal Thoughts
Samaritans Guide: Helping Someone Suicidal – Practical advice on recognizing signs and helping someone who may be feeling suicidal.
Rethink Mental Illness – Offers a guide on providing support, active listening, and encouraging professional help.
NHS Guide on Suicide Prevention – Provides information and advice on helping someone who may be contemplating suicide, including helplines and resources.
Local Mental Health Resources in Salisbury & Wiltshire
Wiltshire Mind – Local charity offering low-cost counselling and support groups across Wiltshire.
IAPT Wiltshire – NHS mental health services, including online therapy and in-person sessions in Wiltshire.
Salisbury NHS Foundation Trust – Provides mental health services and referrals through Salisbury District Hospital.
Alabare – Salisbury-based support organization offering mental health resources for vulnerable individuals, including veterans and the homeless.
